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photography, Kitti, art, me, kink

Kitti, the Unstoppable Hex Machine

...and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries...

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photography, Kitti, art, me, kink
There is nothing I want more, than to be how I was.

I remember the time that I would relish a spanking or a crop ripping my already tender flesh apart. I used to show off my welts, my scars.. take pictures and stare at them afterwards, thinking how wonderful it was, and how much I'd been through to please my Master.

Now, I'm shrouded in fear.
Fear just engulfs me, it won't let me breathe and won't let me go back to the way I was.

I used to be fearless. No, not fearless... but I bypassed the fear in order to be a good sub/slave. I have become a control freak. I'm nervous of anyone new, but I'm also too scared to start a relationship with anyone... whilst simultaneously being too much of a nymphomaniac to just abstain. The only person I've met who I would have considered a relationship with has started one with someone else anyway (he's cheating on her with me, but that isn't the point)

All I want, is to have what I had before. Or.. just to be the "me" that I was... surely it can't be *that* difficult. I mean... I was there, I did it. Why can't I do it now?
Am I some kind of twisted Samson? Has some evil Delilah come along and cut off all my hair? Why have I lost my power? Did I anger my Gods?

Did the Fates just decide to fuck me up? imagine that's it.... they gave me the strength I needed to get over Adrian, and to recover from the shit Bones put me through, and all the mental games of the next guy, and the next... and Edie... but that strength must have come at a price. The self that I adored and cherished; the being within me that adored being torn apart and rebuilt, just to be torn open again. That being relied on a Master to take care of it. Perhaps without one, the being died.

I really hope it's just asleep. I just want it to wake. I want my fear to be banished and to allow myself the pleasure of the pain I used to adore. Why do I remain so frightened? Why is it the only person I want to hurt me is myself?

I really miss me... please come home soon.