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photography, Kitti, art, me, kink

Kitti, the Unstoppable Hex Machine

...and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries...

The Great Conjunction
"The Great Conjunction is the end of the world! Or, the beginning"

This weekend something amazing happened. A person I would never have thought powerful enough in a million years, has taken me and broken all my barriers one by one. He has changed me, I hope for the better.

I have abandoned a good deal of my previous beliefs and fears, and replaced them with hope, and (of all things) trust. His name is Troi and he is mine. I am also his. He seems to have found me in my own dark little enclosure, slowly cutting myself off from anyone and everyone that would dare to get close to me, and he has brought me back into the light.

Monogamy now seems to be the name of the game, and where before I found this horiffic, frightening, and boring... with him, it is none of these things. I still have the bruises he gave me last week, and yet I know he will always care for me and protect me. He refuses to be called my Master, although I know in my heart that is what he is, and I will serve him until such time as he gets bored of me and lets me go.

The crazy thing is, I am happy. My entire career and home life is falling apart around me and I am *still* happy. I could be sacked and evicted tomorrow but I know it would all be ok because I would still have him. This is a feeling I have not felt for at least 5 years... maybe more.

I miss him intensely at all times, and this is totally bittersweet because thinking of him still puts a smile on my face, even though it hurts to be away from him - which is, unfortunately, most of the time.

I am falling, definitely, at an alarming rate... and all because an ex friend begged me to take away her "stalker fuckbuddy". Heh...

Tangled webs FTW.

Kit xx

photography, Kitti, art, me, kink
I am beginning to remember why I was a commitment-phobe in the first place.

That horrible sinking feeling you get when the person who has spent the last few weeks claiming to adore you, just goes offline and then does not answer his texts.

When I was polygamous, I never worried about such things, I just carried on as usual and found some other person to amuse me.... now I am bound to one specific person, what do I do when he runs off like this? Of course when something happens for which we have no explanation, we always start thinking the worst. He's gone back to his ex; he's decided he doesn't love me after all and it was just a big rebound; he's heard some kind of viscous rumour about me and now will never speak to me again. These things are all running through my head now and making me want to reach for the whiskey and the blades.

This is insecurity at it's finest. Insecurity is irrational, mostly... but my insecurity is based on past experiences. Lots of cases where men have sworn to adore me and hurt me forever if I would just worship them, and I do.... and then they just get bored, somehow.

I would like to think that Troi is not one of these... After all, he did spend months trying to get me to abandon my independence and start this entire monogamy thing up again.... but it is entirely possible that now he's won me, there's nothing more for him.

Oh, I miss my Masters. Adrian and Fayth always knew exactly what to say to stop me fretting like this. That, and they were almost always contactable if I needed them. I'm a damn fool for giving them up.... I just couldn't handle the kids. I'll most likely make a terrible mother, so what's the use of monogamy anyway? I miss my Masters so much :-(

K xx