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photography, Kitti, art, me, kink

Kitti, the Unstoppable Hex Machine

...and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries...

Fly By Night
Thank you, Geddy Lee.

"Fly by night, away from here.
Change my life again
Fly by night, goodbye my dear
She felt it comin' and I just can't pretend".

Looks like years of post-natal depression and resentment has just come out in one solid wave of emotion. I am, it appears, the terrible person I always thought I was. I am a bad daughter, I am selfish, I've never lifted a finger to do anything for my mother, and she only kept me around because I was my Father's favorite. After 23 years of lies, it's finally come out. I am hated - I have always been hated - so there is more reason for my mental issues than I ever realised.

So, after sacrificing my freedom, left the only place that ever felt like home to me, returned to a cold, dead, and moronic town that I have always hated. All this I did purely to be near to her, help her, and make her days a little less painful, and her mind a little less worried. I wanted to better myself, and give something back. I gave up everything I loved just for her, and now I find that I really needn't have bothered. Well, thank you, Captain Hindsight!

See, ordinarily, this would be a perfect cut-and-dry situation. I would pack as big as bag as I could find. Strap my favorite guitar on my back, sell the others, and get straight on a train back home to Brighton. Unfortunately, I absolutely adore my new job. I also really can't leave my PC behind. Stevie gave me this PC, and I love it so much. It would be both stupid and selfish to think that I could just turn up in Brighton and people would look after me. I mean - they would, but it's not fair to assume that. Yes, I need to leave here, and the relationship between myself and my mother may never be properly repaired, but for now, I have to trust my instincts and do what I came here to do. Better myself, become a person that is not only loved by others, but that loves herself, too. I don't need her to like me in order to like myself. That one is all on me.

So, here I stay. I already have somewhere to go, as soon as the current occupant packs her stuff and gets the fuck out. The strange thing is, although the tears are streaming, I'm calm. I'm silent, thoughtful, and I actually feel free. She's pushed me so far and so fast that when I reached the edge, I actually flew. Now I have wings.

I better savour it. This is really going to hurt in he morning.

Kit xxx