Log in

No account? Create an account
photography, Kitti, art, me, kink

Kitti, the Unstoppable Hex Machine

...and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries...

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes
photography, Kitti, art, me, kink

How was your weekend?

Mine was fucking surreal. Just epicly mental in amazingly brilliant ways.

Did I ever tell you about the first person I ever loved? Met him when I was but a tiny child, and grew up wanting this person, but knowing that I would never, ever be with him. I couldn't stop it though, that's the rub, you see. I watched him with all his girlfriends through the years, how they would treat him and how upset and confused he would get, and I would beg the universe to make him see me. Of course, I was only a kid with a crush... back then.

When I was 17, something truly amazing happened. My dream came true, and I got to spend the night of my life with a person I had wanted since childhood and always been denied. That night was true perfection, and I knew I could never again feel so beautiful and content as I felt that night. Or so I thought.

Here I am, wallowing in my loneliness, self-pity, with my rum in one hand and a razorblade in the other, calling up Dom after Dom and willing them to break me, just so I can feel something again. Trying so hard to push myself to the absolute limits of physical and emotional endurance... in short, I was fine, ok? I was just peachy. I hadn't seen nor heard from him in SIX YEARS, when there he is, clear as day, text on my phone.

So, what did I do? Besides pinching myself several times to make sure I wasn't dreaming, or hallucinating - seriously questioning my continual substance and alcohol abuse and if I had actually finally gone fuckin bat-shit, but no... it turned out to be real. I think. I'm still kinda questioning if yesterday even happened. The dinner and the conversation, and the total and utter beauty of the 11 (count 'em 11!!) orgasms he gave me, and the 6 I gave him. OGMYFUCKINGGODS can this really be happening? The crazy thing, too, is that this was not just sex. Whilst I am totally happy with him using me as his port in a storm,and have no qualms about being his little single guy booty call, we actually talked. For hours.

Now, somehow, we are sharing the same dream. A house on the outskirts of a town somewhere, a retreat for the open minded - a real poly family. He, and I, and maybe up to 5 or 6 different girls, all sharing and loving each other, all happy, and beautiful. It's crazy... I have spent so long looking for a Master, and a good family to welcome me into their fold, and I've found it, back in the shitty little town I grew up in. At least.... if he's not just stringing me along like Jake did. Somehow, I don't think he would do that considering our history.

I still don't know what to believe. All I can think of is these two nights we have had together, and how perfect they were... and I remember that a moment is all we can dare to expect from perfction, and I know that one day, most likely soon, the Universe will take him away from me again.

For now, all I can do is hold fast, relax, and breathe all of him in.

Tonight, the ritual I performed was simple. To cleanse my psyche of Alpha males, and to become closer to myself. Last night, he told me: "One cannot expect another person to think more of them, than one thinks of oneself".

So... I am on the road to self glory. I'm going to clean myself up, get myself fit and sober, and if at the end of it all I have done it right, it won't matter if he is taken from me again, because I will be all I need to be happy.

I couldn't be more frightened than I am right now. Or more elated.

Kit. xxx