September 21st, 2010

photography, Kitti, art, me, kink


He is racing through my brain, constantly. I try to focus on other things but his memory, his words, and his deeds will not leave me. My logic tells me I should not let emotion interfere after a single night, but my emotion overpowers me logic. This has not happened to me for a very long time.... in fact, the last time I was faced with this was with Adrian. My first real Master. The big difference with Adrian was that he pushed and pushed for me to become his slave, and I resisted as long as I could. Now I feel this deep, pathetic longing to be clasped, bleeding, in the jaws of my new wolf... but I know I must be cautious, if for no other reason that if I get all stalkery I might scare him away.

O, what a noble mind is here oerthrown! The courtiers, soldiers, scholars, eye, tongue, sword; The expectancy and rose of the fair state, the glass of fashion and the mould of form, the observed of all observers quite quite down! And I, of ladies most deject and retched, that suck'd the honey of his music vows, now see that noble and most sovereign reason, like sweet bells jangled out of tune and harsh; that unmatch'd form and feature of blown youth blasted with extasy; O, woes is me, to see what I have seen; see what I see!

I often liken myself to Ophelia. If not for the false attentions, and subsequent withdrawals of such by Hamlet, she would never have gone mad and drowned herself. I'm not saying that a Dom is making me mad, but I do feel similar sometimes. All I want to do is be at His feet, and take whatever he can throw at me. I have tried so hard to forget, even turn my attention to the countless other Doms that are offering countless other things to me, but I just can't stop thinking about him... and because I can't get him out of my head, I feel some bizarre sense of loyalty to him.

I have two choices:

* I get out of this while I still have logic left. A man with this kind of control over me without him even trying is a dangerous thing, especially if he only wants me as a plaything and not a real slave.

* Hold my breath and jump. Forsake all others, and make the best effort I can to please him, during the little time we may have together. Keep my feelings to myself until I can't bear to any longer, and then just let the chips fall where they may.

So... stay safe, lonely, and boring; or jump with the knowledge that it could kill me.

I know what I want to do... but that and what I am most likely to do are two different things.

I would die a thousond times, for one more hour at his mercy.

Kit. xxxx