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photography, Kitti, art, me, kink

Kitti, the Unstoppable Hex Machine

...and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries...

photography, Kitti, art, me, kink
This morning, I awoke calling for my Master.
I haven't had a Master for years. I didn't even think it would be possible for me to trust anyone enough to let them collar me again. If I'm collared, I want my Master(s) to know everything about me, I want to have given myself totally and completely to them, and it's not fair to pretend I've done that when I can't.

So, what do I do? Do I actively start telling people that I'm looking to be owned now and not just casual? How would that change the way Doms see me? They may just see me as easier, or more desperate, so it could get me into trouble with some of the less savory ones. I wish that J and I had more contact with each other, I wish that we could meet. Since speaking to him over the phone, he seems to have reawakened my need to submit, just by pushing at my boundaries verbally... I really wish I could find out if he has the same effect physically, or will he just make me run away like I have done for years?

I remember M and K, and thier poly family... I remember S and T, the beautiful Artist couple who pushed me to create some of my best work yet. Both of those relationships I sabotaged. Not their relationships with each other, but my relationships with them. I sabotaged myself because I got scared. I created reasons to be away from them, reasons to act up... all of them petty little things that I blew out of proportion in my head. If I allow a Dom/couple to get that close to me again, how do I know I'm not just going to ruin it again?

Maybe my mind is just another part of me that needs to be Dominated and controlled. Maybe I'll meet someone/people who have the ability and the skill to take me over completely. I know I don't want to hold back anymore. I want to give myself to a worthy party, someone who I know can push me until I break, and then keep pushing, until everything I fear is gone. I remember A, and living without fear... it used to be us against the world, plans of building our Family, our Army, running singing through the streets and fighting all the prejudice and hatred.. creating true freedom for ourselves, and everyone who joined us would belong to us and so become free too. Maybe it was an unattainable ideal, but isn't that what dreams are for?

Despite my histrionic tendencies, I still live for today, and always look to the future. I know now, for myself, that I need to be owned. I want more than anything to be part of a family again, even if it's a family that my Master and I have started.

Or.. perhaps this longing is my penance.

K. xx