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photography, Kitti, art, me, kink

Kitti, the Unstoppable Hex Machine

...and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries...

Fire
photography, Kitti, art, me, kink
grittikitti
I almost branded myself today.

I thought that moving up here, away from the constant fray of the city would help to calm me, but I fear it's only created more problems. I've been speaking to some Doms, most of which are possibilies, one stands head and shoulders above the rest - it's starting to make me question my relationship with Stevie. I have always been so frightened to let him go, also really scared to hurt him. He is almost perfect. He's kind, generous, amazing in bed, really sexy, likes my music... but it does still bother me that he wears his wedding ring, and I know he's probably never going to want to have kids with me.. he doesn't even want to live with me. He is totally content with the distance, and crazily, so am I, but I find myself yearning for the kiss of the whip once more.

It's not just S/m... it's D/s... I remember when I had a Master, when I was collared and I knew, every second of my existance that I belonged to somebody. Sometimes I belonged to a whole group of people. I remember when I was part of a real family. Not like my blood family, but one that was completely open to all my nasty little ideas and thoughts... they never judged me for my addictions, and most of the time joined in. I remember that, and I know that I can never again feel that closeness, because I have no trust left in me. I have taken too many leaps of faith, that my subconcious won't let me do it anymore. This brings me back to my perfectly lovely vanilla relationship. I adore him, but I can't stop wanting a real Master again. At night, sometimes I wrap rope around my own wrists, and imagine a towering figure telling me that I am His, even as I sleep, and that I'll need as much rest as I can get. Sometimes this is enough to comfort me, but its getting rarer and rarer.

Instinct is telling me to make a clean break, but I just can't seem to let go of Stevie. Perhaps after I meet my favorite Dom in person, I'll know more about what to do. Who knows? Maybe we'll never meet. Maybe I'll just continue having meaningless conversations with "like-minded" people, who have no trouser when it comes to the crunch... Maybe I'll even go back to my London life, if I don't find work here soon I don't think I have an alternative. All I truly posess is what I stand up in... and that's what I have to sell.

Tonight the candles burn and the blades are out. I wish to the Gods that the red flow didn't have to be my own.

K. xxx