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photography, Kitti, art, me, kink

Kitti, the Unstoppable Hex Machine

...and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries...

Lucid
photography, Kitti, art, me, kink
grittikitti
Gah!

It's back. It's all back - the insomnia and the hallucinations, the paranoia, everything is back. I thought if I could just take control of myself physically that my mind would follow suit but now I can't stop crying. I can't sleep for the fear of dreaming - fuck, I can't even shut my eyes without seeing spiders everywhere. help. I write here only because it's my first instinct. Well, I don't have any drugs. I'd kill for a valium right now... even half a one.

I've failed. How am I meant to better myself if I can't control myself? WTF is wrong with me?!?!!

gtg.

Ow.
photography, Kitti, art, me, kink
grittikitti
Well THAT hurt.

Still hurts, in fact. My entire body, and my head, ache like fuck. I'm pretty proud I didn't cut, though it was only because of P that I didn't. I'm damn lucky I have a friend like him (like him? There's nobody "like" him. Silly.)

I think I was (am) just confused. Also I was a naive moron, thinking that I could just fix myself that easily. I've made a great start through, but I do still need to get someone to listen to me about my brain. The child inside me is still afraid of being locked up, or else permanently sedated. I like my freedom - I've worked bloody hard to achieve it, and still working bloody hard to maintain it.

Ok, so every pattern of recovery allows for relapse - I think I know what my trigger was and I can reassociate that trigger to take me to a good place, instead of bad.

Still in pain... I don't think it'll go away for a while.

K. xxx