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photography, Kitti, art, me, kink

Kitti, the Unstoppable Hex Machine

...and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries...

Valium in Obscurum
photography, Kitti, art, me, kink
The world is filled with sinners; myself included.

And yes, I have regret for some of the "bad" that I have done. When I have been wrong, I have apologised and either been forgiven, or not. I'm not talking about wrongdoing in the eyes of "insert chosen deity here", I have my own creed; Natural Law and Natural Justice.

I believe in vengeance in all it's forms. Sometimes Karma needs a helping hand (after all, the world is full of sinners).

I wonder sometimes what would happen if the world's economy collapsed and Martial Law was introduced. How long would it take the downtrodden to rise up and fight against the opressors? There have always been more civilians than armies. Far far more, and it is true that one free man defending his home is more dangerous than 20 hired soldiors. All we need are a few good, charismatic leaders to spark inspiration in the rest. Whether this would happen in such a world, I know not, but I would like to think that I could inspire such a revolution - or at least inspire a greater leader and warrior than myself.

I may well be waxing intellectual about this entire subject because I'm residually intoxicated after the last few days' debauchery, however, these views of mine are not new. They have been brewing within me for almost my entire life. They are part (most) of the reason why I never felt as if I had a home, even as a child. My beautiful, ragged, debauched city is the closest thing to a home I have ever known - but I'm still here, on the grid. London has the most CCTV cameras than any other city in the world; and Brighton is steadily creeping under more surveilance with every day that passes. Freedom in this country does not exist; not anymore.

So, to be or not to be, that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of corporate, mind-numbing 9 to 5 oppression - or else to find some way of dropping beneath the radar. No safety net; no state benefit; just me (or us) living off our instincts and talents. True fucking freedom; no holds barred.

To me, this sounds like a paradise. To the vast majority of humans, this is the scariest notion of all. After all, who wouldn't compromise a little of thier privacy to know that they are safe? We are living in the age of facebook; GPS on mobile phones; iphone applications that allow us to find out the most intimate information about another, just at the click of a button. We are so proud to broadcast every little mind-numbing detail about our lives over the internet that we are oblivious to the fact that we are under full surveillance by the authorities. We look at the world through our rose-tinted glasses, fooling outselves that everything is just peachy because we have the job, the house, the car, the wife/husband, the kids, maybe even a bit on the side. We are so wrapped up in our own miniscule existences that we are totally unable to see really real reality.

Nothing we have is real - and this is what keeps me awake night after night. This is what makes me turn to my guitar; my piano; my studies; my art. This is why, for years, I turned my anguish inward and hurt myself (until, that is, I found others to do it for me). I blamed myself for the blind eyes of my peers; or else the dumb notion that a person can live under surveillance and still be free! Every day, I wish for the people to open thier eyes and just SEE!! But I know they can't, and maybe they never will. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he does not exist. Every day; I understand the true helplessness of my situation, and I can't fight this all alone so I just come up with various methods to cope. Yes, I intoxicate myself to the point of memory lapse and internal injury, and I do it to try and forget where I am and what I have become. I used to fight constantly but my armies fell and I just retreated. I gave up! I call the people cowards, but I am the real coward. I see my people in pain and I do nothing, because I cannot. Alone, I know I will fall... but nobody will fight beside me. As much as I love them, they would rather keep the rose glasses on; and forget what they have been told.

This is why I turn inwards. It is not right to take my vengeance out on people who have done no wrong - and I do not have the power to fight the real wrongdoers... I am a coward and so I only fight myself. A battle which I am constantly both winning and losing.

Woe is me, and I am woe. We are all just pathetic creatures feeding on the bread of the dead and dying; and those less fortunate. We climb the corporate ladder, working jobs that mean nothing to buy shit that we don't need - this is "success". Perhaps that is why we refuse to see.