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photography, Kitti, art, me, kink

Kitti, the Unstoppable Hex Machine

...and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries...

Wolfin Out
photography, Kitti, art, me, kink

Really strung out tonight. Craving it all. Everything. All I want to do is drink, shoot up, smoke, and carve myself up all pretty like. I have camomile, but it's not the same.. obviously.

Trying to focus on something else. Music isn't working. I thought maybe watching Requiem For A Dream would help me remember how fucked I was, but if I'm honest, watching them all get high on the screen is hurting me even more. I'm determined not to buckle, but I know I have morphine. I'm thinking of cooking it up to snort. Jees! Real fucking tough, I am. If I didn't have my art, I'd be dead in a bloody ditch somewhere.

I hide this from most people... I don't want to burden them, and I'm also afraid that they'll be on my back about it. I'm doing so well for myself at work; I can't afford to get properly depressed again. Just a few more years and maybe I'll be over this. I miss my Stevie too... I guess cause he's been ill, and we haven't been sleeping together or anything. Maybe I just feel lonely.

Thsi internal battle, I am both winning and losing. Both halves of me have to continue to war, or otherwise call a truce. One side cannot beat the other, because the left side cannot live without the right, and both will die. I am not afraid of death; but neither do I crave it.

Perhaps tomorrow things will look better. Perhaps the left side should continue winning, maybe rehab is a good idea. I don't want to lose control though - surely every rehabilitation programme allows for a certain amount of relapses. It's when one stops fighting the relapses, and just loses control - that's the killer.

Maybe I should just admit that I'm an addict and live with it. I'm still holding down a job - who cares?

photography, Kitti, art, me, kink
I didn't do it.

Gods help me, I abandoned it.
I'm cold, sweating, sick, stomach hurts and paranoid but I didn't do it.

But for how long does the right side triumph? What I wouldn't give for a little bit of K... Gah!