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photography, Kitti, art, me, kink

Kitti, the Unstoppable Hex Machine

...and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries...

photography, Kitti, art, me, kink
It's getting worse.

Not only can I not sleep, but memories are haunting me at every moment. I can't seem to switch my History off. My mind keeps switching between Adrian, Fayth, Scorpio, and Mark, of all bloody people.

I feel like I miss them, but then I remember why I can't be around them... it goes back and forth and in circular-type motions. I've taken to drinking alone again, it seems to be the only way to turn the memories off. I've also taken to walking in the pouring rain, and looking out to sea again. I can't let myself walk anywhere near the beach, I just keep on the other side of the coast road. The Ocean still beckons to me... she's calling me in, telling me there will be no more voices, no more pain, no more people - just eternal solitude; eternal sleep. I must say, it's fucking attractive.

I know that I mustn't give in to her. I must not let her win, and yet I don't see how I can continue resisting. I HAVE to get a doctor to listen to me, but I've tried so much now to no avail, I wonder if I'm even worth helping. Perhaps I'm not meant to be saved; perhaps Fate has another path mapped out for me. Sometimes life can only begin with death... the sad thing is that, usually, life ends with death.

I'm currently winning my fight against drugs. Most drugs, anyway... I can't seem to go cold turkey in regards to alcohol, I think my history with it is just too damn great, and it's never really done me wrong. More often than not, all it does is make the voices stop, and let me sleep. It's my guardian - my helper, if anything. Do I sound like an addict? I've said these words before, with H. So beautiful and so terrible - the only reason I managed to overcome H was because she nearly killed me. Alcohol's never done that.

The positive side effect of all this, is my creativity seems currently boundless. My love affair with language seems to have begun again, after years of dormancy. I cling to these things - my new creations - and use them as reasons to stay in control, and stay alive. I keep telling myself that eventually the voices will stop, and the Ocean will release her hold on me and cease her fatal pull - part of me, though, is not so sure.

I miss Scorpio and Toy the most; they were the only ones who seemed to understand my relationship with death, how it links to my Art, and they always listened. Neither of them ever presumed to know what I was going to say - they let me speak, and then when I was finished, they would answer. Thier words would enthrall me. Not only just because they seemed to understand, but that thier sentences were always so perfectly structured, thier voices sweet and lilting. Always, they put me at ease; or frightened me, if that was thier intention. I had always planned to serve them forever, and even though I'm happy now, away from the scene and in love with a wonderful man, I can't help but wonder what my life would be like now if I still belonged to them. I'll probably never know why they abandoned me - perhaps they simply grew tired of me, or found a better candidate (as is often the case)

I really miss my big brother. I know he is going through his own darkness right now, and I don't resent him in any way for it - I just miss having someone to talk to, that's all. He always gave me such perspective on my issues, and I feel like such a shit for being too busy to visit him at the Priory. Really hope you're recovering well, Beads, and am amazingly proud of you for going in there in the first place - and moreso that you came out again. xxx

So... I am here still. My words are but a small insight into my frayed emotional state, but perhaps they will suffice, to let someone know that I tried; I fought, even if I do not win the final battle, my words will be my legacy - and those that I loved and that loved me will know how hard I tried not to be selfish, not to give in, and to stay here with them.

Unfortunately, violence seems to beget violence, so here is my apology for my volatile speech, and my angry drunkenness. Also, a thank you to those that are patient with me. I'll come through this stronger - well, alive... hopefully.

Night. xx