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photography, Kitti, art, me, kink

Kitti, the Unstoppable Hex Machine

...and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries...

It's possible I'm only freaking out because I'm afraid I'll lose contact with those people that (used to) keep me afloat. Matt was one of those people, and I thought he was still, or again rather.. after being away for so long. Seeing him again made me feel like this big empty space I had inside me just got so close to being properly filled, and now it's getting more and more likely that he's not replying to me because he doesn't want to... rather than being unable to.

Nick told me yesterday that I shouldn't be this upset... or even jump to conclusions yet. He said maybe he just needs a bit of time to sort himself out, to be alone, etc. Personally I don't see why he'd be afraid to just tell me that, and ask me to leave him alone for a bit. I wouldn't have been angry, of course I wouldn't... and at least I'd know that he was ok, and that he didn't just decide to hate me all of a sudden.

I hate this. Every time my phone lights up or makes a noise, my heart jumps, cause I think it's him... and it hurts more every time it's not him. This is the reason I've been shunning love. This is why I've not been able to connect with anyone properly for a year... but I can't stop feelings that were already there. I can piss off as many men as come my way, and I can convince myself that someone I hardly even knew was just not right for me, or some other bullshit... but I can't fool myself that someone I already love isn't the person I want. I wish I could, so so so much.

Nick said, that if Matt could see how much this is hurting me, he'd stop. Then he said, the only person that can make me happy is myself. I know that to be true, and always have... and I also know a fool-proof way of making the pain that's inside me filter out, but that means creating outlets of physical pain to combat the emotional, and that is both totally self-damaging and forbidden. Really think it might be the only option though. The only way to forget one addiction is to replace it with another.

On top of that, though... my best friends also seem to be the hardest people to get hold of all of a sudden. Maybe it's the snow, cutting people off and isolating everyone... more likely, there's been some kind of hellish story leaked about me. Something tells me Andy would never believe gossip though. He, at least, would come straight to the source and ask me. Maybe something really nasty has happened. Jees, I hope not, especially not to Andy or worse.. his family. Thinking about that kinda puts my teenage-style woe in perspective. At least both my parents are still alive.

Fuck it all.