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photography, Kitti, art, me, kink

Kitti, the Unstoppable Hex Machine

...and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries...

The Shape of Things [Kink Warning]
photography, Kitti, art, me, kink
So.... I'm seeing Doc.

Or at least, I think I am.... that's kind of what's being said.  We're "together", etc.  More and more though... I feel like maybe we're growing the wrong way.  Into friends instead of... closer together like lovers.  There are so many things that have happened/are happening that I just can't help feeling "If he cared about me as much as I do about him... he wouldn't do/say this".

I'm sure at least a decent portion of the communication issues between us are to do with his Aspergers, and Dyslexia.  I can handle that and deal with it when we're physically together... but sometimes when we're apart I just feel like he's not talking to me, or I've done something wrong and he's annoyed with me.  He probably isn't... but then I end up trying to make up for whatever it is I feel I've done and probably end up sounding like I'm being clingy, or suspicious, or just *too* submissive.  

I mean... the illusion is that *most* Doms want someone who is servile, well behaved, obedient, etc... which I am.  I can be slightly cheeky at times but never in circumstances that could cause embarrassment to my Dom.  I am always (and have always been) perfectly respectful, attentive, and generally a good kitti.  Now, the theory enters my head that everyone loves a challenge, and possibly by being a little *too* brilliant.... I have become rather boring to be around??

It's possible, of course, that it's nothig that either of us are doing wrong.. maybe we're just not suited to being *together*, and more suited to being friends and maybe play occaisionally...  I've been wanting to talk to him about it for ages but it just seems every time we're together we forget, or he's tired, or I'm having such a good time I just don't want to ruin it.  I really really love the time we spend together and, to be perfectly honest, I really don't want to leave him... but I can't continue feeling like I'm just an accessory that happens to *be* here... not by choice, or because he specifically wants me, but just because I'm easily available.  All these promises he keeps making to me... like collaring me, amongst other things... just have never materialised. 

i know it's very likely that a promise in my terms is different to a promise in his terms... but it really does hurt.  I'd prefer if he never promised me anything ever, than promise me and break it.  Not even break it and say sorry... but just not carry it out and not even mention it.  It's also possible that he's just forgotten what he said but that, in itself, is a big problem for me.  I thrive on words.  Words, more than actions, drive into my very soul and it's words that I cling to when I'm upset or trying to think things over... It's peoples words I remember much more than thier deeds, so I really have no idea what's going to happen between us.

I really really wish I didn't care about him this much.  I wish he was just a bloke so I could just leave... but it's so hard to walk away.  I think I might actually love him... which is a fucking disaster.  Especially if he doesn't feel the same about me.

Turkey Envy.
photography, Kitti, art, me, kink
So.... today is work day 6, of 7.
Yes, for one of those days, I will be getting time and a half.... but only one.
Along with everything else that's going on (ie financial destitution, Doc and all who sail in him, work fucking me around, and generally just being really really lonely and having no contact from my so-called Master) all I want to do is abuse myself.
I want nothing more than to drive various sharpened objects into various parts of my body, even though I know for a fact that it is self-damaging, self-destructive, generally bad for my psychological wellbeing (hah.. what wellbeing?) not to mention that pretty much everyone around me will have a gigantic go at me, and (rather annoyingly) re-itterate all of the above to me in a self-righteous and patronising manner (Yeah...because you're THAT much better than me, right?)
I'm not saying that I *will* get home, run a bath, and decide that the water would look best red and my body would look best white.... it's just a craving I have.  It's an addiction.  Just like smoking or Heroin.  An addiction.  I will always always want it, even though I know how bad it is for me.  It will always always feel amazing... and thus goes my struggle.

The really fucking annoying thing, though, is that I can quite easily fathom these cravings to abuse my body... How? By indulging the cravings of desperately deviant dominant darlings to abuse my body.  Now, here comes the killer.... currently, quite a few such creatures have expressed in no uncertain terms that they would adore to do just that... but my loyalty lies with the only creature in that vicinity that *doesn't* want to fuck me and fuck me up. 

What is wrong with this picture?

Or... am I just a selfish cunt?
If so... why doesn't anyone just tell me I'm a selfish cunt?  Better yet, tell me with thier fist how selfish I am, and where I belong.  Then make sure I stay in my proper place.  There's no such thing as negative reinforcement as for as I'm conscerned.... Not right now, anyway.

I hate this.  I miss him so much it feels like my heart is going to burst out of my ribcage and fly to stupid East London just to be near him in the last few agonising seconds of my short, painfully fucked up life.  All I can help thinking... the blades, the needles, broken glass, razors, whatever... they make all this melancholy go away... Using my flesh as canvas to create patterns and art on, always has.  It centres me and just makes me ok again.  Of course, though, as with any addiction, there is the very real possibility of it spiralling out of control (as once was the case)  also, I don't have that many long sleeved garments anymore.

So yes.... carving myself up like a fucking christmas turkey and reaping the emotional and psychological benefits is FAR more attractive than being in love with someone who cares about me and doesn't want to abuse me.


In the immortal words of The Doors:  "The time to hesitate is through".

Kit. xx

Kill You With a Tray
photography, Kitti, art, me, kink