- September 26th, 2010
Last night, he shattered me with his words.
"You have the lowest pain threshold of any sub I've ever met".
Ever?! He's 47. I can't stop turning it over and over in my head and wrenching my heart out again each time. I thought I was doing better. Before, I only saw pain as an attachment to submission; I dealt with it because it was my duty as a sub to make my Dom happy. I never enjoyed pain. Now I'm starting to, I'm craving it and I want to build my threshold up more and more until I can have salt rubbed into my wounds and keep smiling. I'm doing this for myself now, not just for the attention of men that will never love me, so why is it so hard?
Maybe he just said it because he wanted to hit me where it really hurts. Maybe he really meant it though. If I really have the lowest threshold ever, why has he been back for more so many times? Probably it wasn't me he wanted, it was Brighton. Now I'm not there anymore, my allure has worn off.
He didn't seem to understand that I haven't been played with properly for about a year. He also didn't understand that I need to build this up gradually if I'm going to become perfect. I need to be trained. One doesn't build a house starting from the roof - foundations must be built, floors and walls set in just the right places to support the roof. If one of the supporting walls isn't constructed properly, the house will fall down.
Last night, he demolished my house.
I would have been able to stand it, if there had been something, anything before he concentrated all his force on my ass. The spanking was one thing, making me thrash and cry, but then he got the cane out. The thinnest one; the one that hurts me most. My fight kicked in and I couldn't let him hit me with it, not on the ass, so I shouted and ran away from him. I told him "no" and "stop" about 15 times before he asked if I was really serious. I grabbed my dress and put it on. I cried continually for 3 hours; all the time he spoke to me; all the time packing up my stuff in the hotel room; all the time in the car while he drove me home; all the time making his coffee; all the time drawing him a map so he could get the fuck away from me. I continued to cry until I fell asleep. Alone, in my own bed, with my Mother asleep in the next room.
About 10 seconds after he stopped trying to hit me, I was ready for the pain. The thing was, that by that point, he had decided he couldn't hurt me. He told me he was still in love with his ex girlfriend and he felt terrible doing things to me. I am almost certain he's a big liar. I emasculated him, and he didn't feel like he was more powerful than me anymore. The really fucking stupid thing is that if he had played in the style that I remember from our times in Brighton, none of this would ever have happened. Before, he used to work me up to the cane, have me suck him at first, slap my face, that kind of thing. I know I could take the cane on my back, if I was giving him head at the same time. Something about giving head just calms me, I feel like I'm completely at home when I'm doing it; it feels like I belong to that person, and I'm pleasing them to the upmost. The cane is the hardest limit I have. I'm totally phobic of them, but I think I could deal with being caned whilst giving head. None of this was talked about, and that was my fault. If I'd said any of this before arranging to meet him, maybe it would have been different.
All I want is to eliminate my limits and fears. I don't understand how he can profess to be my friend, as well as a Dom and a sadist, and not want to help me do this. Now I'm back to square one, trying to find suitable Doms. If I was still in Brighton, I could go and see Jon, the dirty yank. From here, it would cost me £60 for train fare and a hotel, and I dont have that.
Guess I'll just wait, wander, and see what finds me. It's always been ok before. Until I find someone good enough I still have my blades, needles, and Mr. Thuddy. I also have NMA, Death in Vegas, The Stooges, Beethoven, Manson, and many many others to serenade me and nurture me in the absence of a suitable Dom.