So, I've been agonising over what to do about Stevie. For weeks, I've been thinking it's unfair to stay with him when I know for a fact I am always going to want to sub, and he is never going to want to Dom me.
Yesterday, it hits me like a speeding bullet; right between the eyes. Just like that - POW! and I realise that the one thing and the other are two different hemispheres of my little messed-up globe. I am in love with Steve. I know this. From my ears to my tail I adore my tall, dark geek of beauty. I am never going to want to be without him in my life, even if we were to stop fucking, I would still adore him and want him in my life as a close friend. Now, I *need* BDSM. There is nothing that makes me feel as free, or as perfect, as recieving new scars, and serving more powerful beings to the utmost. These two things are complete and true of me. These two things do not need to be intertwined in one single entity. I can love and be loved, and I can be abused by a totally different being and still be happy - happier, in fact... because if emotions are not so involved, being rejected or critcised by my Dom(me)s is not going to make me try and drink myself to death, as it has done recently.
Steve's a big boy. He knows exactly what I am about and has given me his total blessing to pursue my need as a sub. He isn't even particularly annoyed by it. He accepts me for who I am and STILL chooses to be with me and continue loving me. Yes, he deserves a fucking medal for doing so, but there it is - another thing that is complete and true.
So, where does this leave me on the Dom/me search? In exactly the same place. Still totally non-commital; still totally poly; and still able to be free. I have no idea what the future holds, but for now I'm happy to be fucked up by deliciously deviant devils....
Their little puppet - with no strings attached.
Kitti, the Unstoppable Hex Machine
...and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries...
- On Love and Living