- October 17th, 2010
How was your weekend?
Mine was fucking surreal. Just epicly mental in amazingly brilliant ways.
Did I ever tell you about the first person I ever loved? Met him when I was but a tiny child, and grew up wanting this person, but knowing that I would never, ever be with him. I couldn't stop it though, that's the rub, you see. I watched him with all his girlfriends through the years, how they would treat him and how upset and confused he would get, and I would beg the universe to make him see me. Of course, I was only a kid with a crush... back then.
When I was 17, something truly amazing happened. My dream came true, and I got to spend the night of my life with a person I had wanted since childhood and always been denied. That night was true perfection, and I knew I could never again feel so beautiful and content as I felt that night. Or so I thought.
Here I am, wallowing in my loneliness, self-pity, with my rum in one hand and a razorblade in the other, calling up Dom after Dom and willing them to break me, just so I can feel something again. Trying so hard to push myself to the absolute limits of physical and emotional endurance... in short, I was fine, ok? I was just peachy. I hadn't seen nor heard from him in SIX YEARS, when there he is, clear as day, text on my phone.
So, what did I do? Besides pinching myself several times to make sure I wasn't dreaming, or hallucinating - seriously questioning my continual substance and alcohol abuse and if I had actually finally gone fuckin bat-shit, but no... it turned out to be real. I think. I'm still kinda questioning if yesterday even happened. The dinner and the conversation, and the total and utter beauty of the 11 (count 'em 11!!) orgasms he gave me, and the 6 I gave him. OGMYFUCKINGGODS can this really be happening? The crazy thing, too, is that this was not just sex. Whilst I am totally happy with him using me as his port in a storm,and have no qualms about being his little single guy booty call, we actually talked. For hours.
Now, somehow, we are sharing the same dream. A house on the outskirts of a town somewhere, a retreat for the open minded - a real poly family. He, and I, and maybe up to 5 or 6 different girls, all sharing and loving each other, all happy, and beautiful. It's crazy... I have spent so long looking for a Master, and a good family to welcome me into their fold, and I've found it, back in the shitty little town I grew up in. At least.... if he's not just stringing me along like Jake did. Somehow, I don't think he would do that considering our history.
I still don't know what to believe. All I can think of is these two nights we have had together, and how perfect they were... and I remember that a moment is all we can dare to expect from perfction, and I know that one day, most likely soon, the Universe will take him away from me again.
For now, all I can do is hold fast, relax, and breathe all of him in.
Tonight, the ritual I performed was simple. To cleanse my psyche of Alpha males, and to become closer to myself. Last night, he told me: "One cannot expect another person to think more of them, than one thinks of oneself".
So... I am on the road to self glory. I'm going to clean myself up, get myself fit and sober, and if at the end of it all I have done it right, it won't matter if he is taken from me again, because I will be all I need to be happy.
I couldn't be more frightened than I am right now. Or more elated.